11.06.2001//what i wish i was
beats !!

so. i used to be skinny. i mean really skinny. in like april of last year, for example, you would look at me and think "wow, she's skinny". in fact, i have pictures from my friend annie's bat mitzvah, and i looked so good. it wasn't just skinnyness either, my stomach was toned, and so were my arms, and my legs were amazing from horseback riding. i was practically perfect. and now, now i don't wear tight pants because i hate my legs, i don't wear short sleeves or tank tops because my arms are so wide, and my stomach is big enough to have a mind of it's own. the thing is, if you looked at me, you wouldn't think "oh she's fat". you definately wouldn't think i was skinny by any means, like not at all, but i don't appear too fat. i just look like a wide person. but compared to what i used to be i am fucking disgusting. but i have no commitment and no will power, and the people i hang out with now compared to the people i hung out with back then each so terribly, so it makes eater well even harder. all i would need is fruit for breakfast, a salad with maybe some chicken as protein for lunch, a yogurt and some pretzels after school for a snack, and whatever i would have for dinner that night - fish with vegetables, some type of pasta, preferably wheat, whatever. and then a few crunches a night (this summer i was doing 200 crunches, 4 sets of 50 a night), and to run on the treadmill for like 30 mins every day and in about 2 - 3 months i'd be good. but i'm so friggin lazy. and right now i can't do crunches because of acutane, which is fucking up my lower back, so i'd have to do something extra. i really wish i could stick to that. maybe now that i have it written down i will. i hope so. i will be so much happier if i can get my body back to what it used to be. so fucking much.