11.25.02/5:50 p.m./i want to rub my diaryland template with jelly
beats !!

lately i've had no motivation. i try to think of funny, witty things to say in here, but i don't even have motivation to think. i have a feeling it's this whole being stuck in my house thing... not kidding. when you're in one place doing the same thing (nothing) over and over, life becomes one long strech of monotony. the only thing i do is go to school. getting up at 6:00 am every morning, making it through the week, that takes effort... i feel like i've accomplished something when the last bell rings on friday afternoon. but for what? there's no purpose to finishing that week. there's no prize to reach at the end. i don't get to go out with friends, i don't get to have fun, i just get to go home and sit on my ass for about 60 hours, same as last week, and the week before that. for two months i've done that. and i know that's all that is going to happen for another while. what's motivating about that? what about doing that inspires me to do anything at all? i have no reason to accomplish anything because no matter what i do it will all lead to the same thing.

i'm not trying to say that i'm this terrible abused child who is locked up in her house and mistreated and cry cry now i'm depressed, pity me. no one's doing anything wrong by grounding me. i fucked up, i deserve to be punished. and i don't think i'm depressed, i'm just in this shitty frame of mind right now, and it's really holding me back. it's annoying... that's the extent of it. it's just scary what a situation like this can do to a person.